So I went to Matts last night. We didn't do anything. We just hung out. I was slightly disappointed. But, Idk. It proved to me that theres a reason me and Matt never became anything more. It just made me miss Mikey more, tbh. Like, idk... Mikey's right. He's home to me. I can travel all over the place and, sure I'll find some places that feel okay, but I'm always going to want to come home. I'm always going to want to go back to Mikey. I was thinking last night when I was with Matt like, I was so crazy about him. I wanted him SO badly, but now I don't even remember why. I couldnt see myself with him in the future. I wanted to hang out with Matt with the intention of hooking up and hopefully feeling less shitty about Mikey, but all it did was reinforce my feelings for Mikey.
Part of me wants to stop talking to Mikey completely. Cause he's leaving the 19th for college and then it'll be done. He'll get what he wants. But I keep thinking that, if I let him go, he won't come back to me. And I know that I'm always going to want to go back to him. He can tell me a million times not to wait for him and blah blah. He wants me to have fun and not let him hold me back. But it's like... it's what I want. He wants me to be happy. But HE makes me happy. He keeps saying that he doesn't want me to pass up the chance to be with someone really great that I could love more than him. But I don't want to. No one could be right for me the way Mikey is.
The part that breaks my heart the most is the fact that I could hold on to someone who may not want me back. He tells me he loves me, he just can't be with me. What if all this time apart makes him forget? Its just another incidence where I'm shown that I'm not worth holding on to. I guess I never will be.
Friends Cut Clearly I've been a bad LJ friend the past couple months and it's been kinda hard to keep up with you all, and I just need a smaller flist :/ So I removed you if I felt like we didn't really connect or anything. Feel free to comment asking to stay if you feel differently. <3
I've said before that these make me sad and I don't like when people do them buttttt I'm going to be a hypocrite. If you've been removed, it was probably because we didn't really click or talk (via comments or any other form.) If you'd like me to re-add you, just comment and we can talk about it. :) Don't take it personally bbs! <333
PLUS, it's hard to keep up with having so many friends, partly because I'm lazy, sooooo yes. If you can't see this entry, you've been cut.
And, remove me from you f-list if I removed you, plz.
SINCE I don't have like ANY useful info about me in my userinfo, I'm gonna make a legit about me post.
Alexandra. Likes to be called Alex. 17, senior. Lives in CT. Writes poems. Takes pictures. Bakes. Reads. More: I'm short. I dance like an idiot. I sing. I get hyper and excited over nothing. I laugh at my own jokes. I hate parties. I don't like to be the center of attention. I don't take life or myself too seriously. I like to cuddle with specific people. I love photoshop. I love baby animals. I hate rhetorical questions. I don't want to live to be old to the point where I can't remember anything or do things on my own. I believe everything happens for a reason. I believe in karma. I believe the basis of happiness is love, and nothing else. I wish I was born in the 70's. I am fascinated with serial killers and mental disorders. I'm scared of heights. I'm scared of losing my parents. Rainy days make me sleepy and lazy and depressed, and if it rains continuously over a few days, I'll complain about it. I like big rainbow lollipops. I like tea and soup, all year round. I can't stand people who use improper grammar. I have a thing for nice teeth and messed up/dirty teeth bother me. I tend to be hypocritical. I hate pessimistic attitudes except for my own. I like organizing and cleaning. I hate people who are stubborn, even though I am. I'm very analytical. I don't understand a large fraction of the human race. I'm not good at making decisions. I say sorry when things aren't even my fault. I try to fix things. I never admit when I'm wrong, I try to twist things so that it'll seem like I was right. I don't believe in seeking revenge. I strongly agree with the sayings "live and let live" and "to each his own." Movies: Titanic, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Anchorman, Girl Interrupted, 10 Things I Hate About You, Mean Girls, How To Deal, Finding Nemo, anything Disney, scary movies, chick flicks. Music: Britney Spears, Taking Back Sunday, Forever The Sickest Kids, Mayday Parade, Hey Monday, The Audition, Brand New, Tokio Hotel, Taylor Swift, The Cab, Family Force Five, The Rocket Summer, Ashley Tisdale, Paramore, Lights, Kelly Clarkson, Fall Out Boy. TV: Gossip Girl, Grey's Anatomy, Glee, Laguna Beach, The Hills, Entourage, Degrassi, iCarly. Books: Speak, Cut, Impulse, Glass, The Pact, Girl Interrupted, The Bitch Posse, The Five People You Meet In Heaven, Picture Perfect, The Virgin Suicides, The Book Thief,