So I went to Matts last night. We didn't do anything. We just hung out. I was slightly disappointed. But, Idk. It proved to me that theres a reason me and Matt never became anything more.
It just made me miss Mikey more, tbh. Like, idk... Mikey's right. He's home to me. I can travel all over the place and, sure I'll find some places that feel okay, but I'm always going to want to come home. I'm always going to want to go back to Mikey. I was thinking last night when I was with Matt like, I was so crazy about him. I wanted him SO badly, but now I don't even remember why. I couldnt see myself with him in the future.
I wanted to hang out with Matt with the intention of hooking up and hopefully feeling less shitty about Mikey, but all it did was reinforce my feelings for Mikey.
Part of me wants to stop talking to Mikey completely. Cause he's leaving the 19th for college and then it'll be done. He'll get what he wants. But I keep thinking that, if I let him go, he won't come back to me. And I know that I'm always going to want to go back to him. He can tell me a million times not to wait for him and blah blah. He wants me to have fun and not let him hold me back. But it's like... it's what I want. He wants me to be happy. But HE makes me happy. He keeps saying that he doesn't want me to pass up the chance to be with someone really great that I could love more than him. But I don't want to. No one could be right for me the way Mikey is.
The part that breaks my heart the most is the fact that I could hold on to someone who may not want me back. He tells me he loves me, he just can't be with me.
What if all this time apart makes him forget?
Its just another incidence where I'm shown that I'm not worth holding on to.
I guess I never will be.